Errors of Disconnection
by Bibbledoo
Summary: I can't title for my life but... Monika is really thinking, as it takes a toll on her. Can be seen as canon divergence in that the meta is not implied? Like, Monika is a mess, Sayori is a good friend, and dissociation sucks. Feel free to offer an alternate title/summary after reading if you want. I'm open. Warnings inside
1. Story One: Monika's Not Okay

Okay, this was meant to just be that first scene, but I got carried away  
Why? I love Monika, I love Sayori, I love Monika _and_ Sayori...  
Enjoy! (It's meant to be a bit disorganized so punctuation errors are intentional)

Warnings: dissociation, implied delusions, suicide ment./corpses, suicidal idealization, self injury.  
If I forgot to list something please tell me.

* * *

Monika had come to the realization that this was Hell and it was Her Fault when she had to look into the eyes of sweet little Sayori cheering her on while thinking of her hanging body from the last run. Exchanging poems with Yuri knowing she had caused her to stab herself, Natsuki— neck snapped, deleted quietly into the night. MC's hateful gaze behind the memory wipe. The player hated her and she knew it. She could feel it.

All

Her

Fault.

She couldn't sleep, not really, and when she tried to count sheep (don't think about 0s or 1s, don't 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110100—) Monika tugged at her hair. The pain was real, right? It had to be. No one could be cruel as to… Then again, she had tormented her friends. The ones she shared so many fabricated memories with. It all felt empty. A hollow world with little NPC Monika ever so painfully close to the player yet unwinnable. Her parents were on a business trip, leaving her alone to fend for herself, but they loved her very much. Hah. They didn't even have faces.

Monika decided she deserved this. A quiet atonement for her sins every night. She'd thought about simply deleting herself, but the club was cursed and she already hurt Sayori. She couldn't bare to make her aware that life wasn't real, not like this. MC seemed confused by missing details here and there, and Monika would swear she saw a picture of Yuri's dead body for a second in her peripheral once in a while. So this is what it was like for the player when she messed with the game. Literal Hell.

Sayori kept giving her little looks throughout the day since about a week (or maybe minutes; game time and real time don't coincide). Monika had stopped poems for two club meetings before relenting and making a poem about butterflies. The festival came and went with no new club members. Probably Monika's fault. There were no pretty pictures for the festival and it was a wonder the game kept going. The script was incoherent to her. Maybe the player was punishing her and making this nightmare continue.

Night terrors started several days ago. The world was collapsing and expanding for an undefined amount of time before it resumed.

Oh. Natsuki made cupcakes. She didn't dare touch one. They weren't real. She didn't need food. Everything was fake (why was she so hungry?).

 _Delete, delete, delete, delete_. Monika couldn't really find her file but there were… shortcuts, she supposed. If she could delete Sayori after she hung herself (Monika reminded herself she made her do it) then surely it would be that easy for her, too? She was straddling the windowsill and gazing down. It was only a two story house, anyway, she told herself when she went back to her room. This was an act of logic, not cowardice. Definitely. She tugged her hair again and a few strands came out, stuck in the grasp of her hair.

Sayori and Yuri and Natsuki were giving her side glances, and even MC seemed to note something was off (the player was definitely mocking her, she felt it— if she could feel. It could very well be fake and programmed just like everything else).

She forgot her homework and ran off, skipping class for the day. An asset for a matchbox in the bathroom (maybe it was a plot point, but ruining it was the least of her priorities) in her hands, she was putting the lit match to her forearm, again and again and again. The burn had to be real, right? She tugged her hair again but didn't feel much. She kept pulling and strands were in her hand with a mildly aching scalp but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

01000100 01100101 01101100 01100101 01110100 01100101.

Delete, delete, delete.

( _Die._ )

She guessed the player's next scene began because somehow she was in the clubroom again and the club was staring at her expectantly. She didn't think about the club activity for today.

"I…" Monika began, chest unusually tight. "Quiet reading." Had that been the club activity for the past two days? Yes. Did she care? Not really. Not at all, actually. It didn't matter. She was about to walk off to… vending machine, she decided, when Sayori grabbed her wrist tightly. Monika turned around too fast because all she saw was a corpse and the world titled and now she was against the wall with everyone staring at her (player mocking her and reveling in her fraying, if her friends knew what she had done they'd be glad she was finally falling apart—)

"Monika?" Sayori asked quietly. They were in the hall now (since when?) and maybe this was a scene. Behind the scenes doesn't happen. It simply can't. They were definitely being watched. Monika did something she hadn't done since way before the game began: tear up. Sayori hugged her tightly. "Monika, it's okay." Monika was sobbing now and shaking her head. Sweet little Sayori would never know.

Can't _Won't_ even _even_ repent _reap_ properly _what_ for _you_ what _sowed,_ you've _coward._ done.

Delete.

"Tell me what you've learned about piano. If you think about something it might help you calm down." Sweet little Sayori.

( _Sayori, say Sayo-Nara_.) Lovely unique little .chr file smiling at her like she deserved her kindness. Still, Monika found herself explaining (sobbing) how a piano works and what chords were. Sayori was rubbing circles into her back and holding her hand while Monika learned to breathe all over again but then they brushed sleeves and Monika felt the stab of pain and hissed loudly like the snake she was. Sayori startled, but Monika pulled away her sleeve and choked out an apology (for everything, including what she'd keep from Sayori forever) before running off. Or trying to, because she ran into Yuri and stumbled while trying to swerve her.

The floor was a wonderful romantic partner if you become acquainted with them properly, Monika thought.

Y _S_ D _Y_ ou _hould_ elete _ourself, mOn_ ikA _AAaa_ aaa _a—_

The nurse's office greeted Monika's sight when she opened her eyes, which was odd, because it shouldn't be a scene in the game at all. There was no bg image for a nurse's office. She heard talking, slightly foggy, but comprehensible. She didn't want to listen. Maybe the player had finally found a way to talk to her directly and she was being told how terrible she was. She closed her eyes in resignation and opted to listen, but it wasn't what she expected.

"She clearly hasn't been well and we were ignorant to that"

"That idiot, she should know she can talk to us—"

"Does she not consider us friends?"

"—Not writing poetry—"

"I should have asked her what was wrong!"

"I may not know her as well as you girls, but she doesn't seem like the type that really opens up—" MC was… not mad?

"You don't freaking say!"

"Natsuki, calm down."

"…Does she not trust us?"

"We're making this about ourselves." Sayori's voice rang out, unusually quiet yet firm. "Monika is hurting and we should focus on that. I… you saw." She felt eyes on her. She realized her blazer wasn't on and her breath hitched. She'd have to wait until Sayori finished talking to 'wake up' but… "She needs us and for that, we need to stop thinking about how we feel right now." _Insightful. If her thoughts were like that, she wouldn't have—_

 _Yeah but it was_ your _doing_.

Monika choked, sitting up harshly and resisting the urge to vomit whatever the Hell she hadn't eaten to begin with. Instead, it was another sob and shaking hands aching to tug and scratch to make sure this was actually happening.

Well, to verify there was some way this wasn't happening, because it was all fake anyway

There were hands on her shoulders. One of them moved to cup her cheek. It felt warm and soft unlike the unfeeling coldness of code. She found herself leaning into it, tears staining both her cheeks and the hand. Monika opened her eyes. Her blurry vision still processed Sayori's concerned face and everyone hanging around behind her.

 _Delete?_

One of Monika's hands was being held by Yuri, and the other was hesitantly held by Natsuki, who was glaring at her with tears in her eyes (concern?) and MC seemed at a loss, and Monika knew that it was because the player was still mad, but instead he leaned over Sayori,

And planted his hand on her head gently to pat her hair down.

 _Huh?_

Monika took a deep breath, and Sayori took that moment to glance down at the burn marks. Monika followed her gaze. They were mostly first degree, with the beginnings of a blister forming on the last one she'd made. Either way, it hurt like Hell, and Yuri saw Monika wince when the burns were brushed against. Yuri rummaged around for something akin to burn cream. Natsuki hovered closer to Monika and did the one thing Natsuki could think to do considering Monika's shins were unavailable.

Elbow her friend on the shoulder so that Monika would hiss in pain and Sayori would yelp out a scolding that Natsuki would ignore anyway.

"You're the biggest idiot I've ever met, not talking to your friends about your issues," Natsuki began. "Seriously, start talking." Sayori began to tell everyone not to pressure Monika, but Monika shook her head and wriggled out of everyone's grasp, including ducking under MC's hand on her head (farewell, scalp ruffling) and covering her face. She tried her best to escape the thin school infirmary bed, barely catching herself when her balance tilted again and the headache threatened to split her in half. Yuri gestured at the burn cream and Monika relented, sitting back down with her gaze at the floor.

None of this was real, so why wasn't it ending? Surely the club meeting would resume if she just reset everything. But she couldn't. She couldn't access anything. It was like a wall had enclosed around her head and she couldn't even see the code let alone tamper with it. It really was punishment.

She made a muffled screech somewhere inside her bitten lip that made Yuri jump and almost drop the cream.

"D-Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry!" Yuri began, panicked. Monika shook her head and apologized quietly. For startling her, for killing her, for killing everyone else, too, and trying to have MC for herself, for scaring everyone and bothering them, too, when their digital lives would end the moment the game was closed or finished.

The thought made her feel dizzy again, but MC dropped in beside her with juice from the vending machine. She had to take it, because he didn't look like he was giving room for a 'no,' and Natsuki definitely wouldn't. The dizziness seemed to lessen with that small amount of nutrition, and she tested her luck by leaning on him. He tensed slightly before relaxing so she could rest better. Her arms were tingling and not hurting as much from the cream. Her heart hurt. All feelings coding couldn't have accounted for. Sayori appeared in her vision again, and Monika tried to focus because she owed Sayori at least that.

"Monika, can you list one thing for each of the five senses right now?" Sayori asked, and it seemed random, but Monika complied. She described the tingling from the cream as well as its smell, Sayori's bright eyes (the girl blushed lightly at that), the quiet hum of the air conditioner, and the lingering taste of the juice. Sayori patted Monika's head and combed it with her fingers, slowly loosening the bow. It lifted more of the tension that had threatened to split her head open not that long ago. "Are you feeling a little better?" Sayori asked, and Monika nodded, too tired to talk.

Yuri walked home with her, taking care not to trip and send both of them on a journey to the floor, and Monika seemed to have it click in that this was behind the scenes, and this was real, and that meant that

Oh, yikes, Monika almost tripped Yuri. Monika stopped and did her best to resist the urge to curl up right then and there. She did the best thing and thanked Yuri before running in the direction of Sayori's house, dragging the poor purple-haired girl behind her. Monika almost jay-walked in the last stretch of running and avoided Yuri's questioning by virtue of her still panting from having such a fast runner dragging her across a good distance. Monika knocked on Sayori's door with a slight vengeance, and Sayori opened it to a sweaty hug. Yuri almost lost her balance at Monika leaving her side so quickly. Sayori returned the hug, albeit confused, and on instinct wrapped Yuri into what would count as a group hug. Sayori tried to maneuver her friends into the living room without any of them falling, Monika just barely remembering to take off her shoes before stepping into the house. She resisted the temptation to drop herself onto the floor with no intention of getting up, but made it to the couch instead, where a winded Yuri rested, and Monika apologized again.

Her lungs burned, and her legs ached slightly. The burn cream still tingled slightly.

Sayori's humming as she prepared hot chocolate for everyone, as well as Yuri's panting and the soft television went into her ears.

Yuri's hair shone in the light, and the bit of peripheral vision allowed Monika to see Sayori carefully traveling one mug at a time to avoid clumsiness.

Monika and Yuri both smelled a bit sweaty, but Sayori smelled of clean laundry and the hot chocolate smelled great.

The hot chocolate tasted great. Coding couldn't account for that.

Sayori had no issue sitting next to sweaty friends, as Sayori would, because she was Sayori and she was alive and well, and Yuri was also alive, and maybe no one was actually dead. Monika took a deep breath and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. She could ask everyone about their problems she may have caused with coding, even though the fog in her brain lifted slightly and let her see that maybe she was real and her friends were real and MC was his own person.

Monika let out a deep breath. Yeah, this could be real.

(And her hunger was diminishing with the hot chocolate, but Sayori had been making cookies and that just made her want to enjoy the moment of clarity even more…)

* * *

I never really know how to finish a story.  
I wanted to leave it vague if this is within the context of the game or if Monika is just a dissociative mess (because really, outside of the meta, she's like... a Mess)  
Monika/Sayori if you squint? See it as you wish.  
Bye! See you around!

(Mayyybe I'll make this like a series of oneshots... what do y'all think?)


	2. Story Two: Never In Control, Co-co-VP

I've been aching to do a scene like this since I published the first one-shot.  
This is Not within the same continuity as the first story.

 **WARNINGS:** panic attacks, dissociation mention, suicide mention, and suicidal ideation.  
If those topics negatively affect you, please take care of yourself and don't read this one.  
If you can stomach those topics: Enjoy.

* * *

Monika felt dizzy. Shaky. If she could even feel that. Was she programmed to feel that? Her realization left her cold inside, fingers twitching while she felt like her head was going to split open. The game was over. It was all over. Why was she still awake and aware? If the game is closed, she should be convulsing feeling everything and nothing. If she's deleted, like she should be, then there should be nothingness, right?

Instead, she's here, in the void, hands over her mouth and stomach as she reads. It was all scripted from the beginning. She was made to delete her friends, to think she was free, to think it was all her. This freedom of not being pulled by digital puppet strings, feeling all the feelings that had been pushed aside by the code. Her friends… she did awful things. If she was aware, she should have been able to fight it. Monika pulls at her hair, trying to breathe in air that she didn't need.

A hand rests on her shoulder and she's asked softly if she's okay. Monika wants to scream. Instead, she cries. Whoever it is shushes her and skims over the code before closing the window and hugging her. Their gentle hands comb through her long hair.

"There was never a choice," she says finally. Her breaths are shaky.

"I know. That's why I'm not mad," the person says, and then pulls away to look at Monika's face. _Sayori_. The realization makes Monika want to cry again, and Sayori must have noticed this because she hums softly and brushes Monika's bangs out of face. She whispers sweet nothings. "You're gonna be okay. Everything's going to be okay," Sayori promises. Monika wants to believe it, her chest aches with the desire to let herself believe that. Instead, the tenses into Sayori's shoulder.

"What if it's not?" Monika asks fearfully. There's a desperation in her tone. "What if it will never be over?" Sayori can't talk as Monika stumbles over her words— "and then they make me want to end yourself again and make me watch as everything crumbles and I ruin everything. What if it just never ends?" Monika hiccups. Sayori's quiet. "I let this game take your childhood friend from you," she realizes, and that gets Sayori going because Monika's cheeks are in the tight grip of Sayori's hands, and there's a force in Sayori's eyes that makes Monika terrified of what she will say.

"That's the player's fault," Sayori says tensely, jaw set. Seeing Sayori angry was uncanny. Sayori's wipes away one of Monika's tears with her thumb. "And it's whoever made this game's fault that you… that we…" Sayori swallows. "They're a sick person," she finishes. "The player and the person behind all this." Monika's being wrapped up in Sayori's arms again, and she can't help but cry again. Sayori rubs Monika's back. Monika's heart is so loud in her chest that it's a surprise Sayori can't hear it. "You're gonna be okay, Monika," Sayori says quietly. A strange promise.

"Please focus on yourself," Monika finds herself saying. "After everything I put you through…" _Just let me live in this deleted void. Forget I was ever there. Please._

"You said it yourself. It's scripted."

"I could have stopped it if I had just… if I had just…" Monika furrows her eyebrows. She should be able to think of something she could have done. It…

"I hate seeing you like this," Sayori admits, cushioning Monika's head into the crook of her neck. "We're gonna be okay. Forgive yourself." Sayori is quiet, then: "If our places were switched—"

"Sayori—?"

"—And it had been me, scripted to hurt all of you, would you forgive me?" Monika gaped.

"Of course! Why would I punish you for something out of your control?"

Sayori sighs. "Now turn it around. Same thing, Monika. Please."

"It's different."

"You're quite something, Monika," Sayori mumbles. Monika's trying not to sob, but that just leads to her chest spasming wildly. Sayori repositions so her head is on top of Monika's, a shield of sorts. "Breathe with me, okay? In… Hold… Out. You're doing great." It takes a few minutes until Monika is calmer, and then Monika hugs back shakily. Loosely. As if she was worried her hands were poison.

"It should have been me," Monika says, tone soft. Sayori hums in confusion. "Like, I know now that whoever is club president has this… knowledge. And that it doesn't go away, considering I'm out of the game," Monika explains, "but… you're better with considering others than I am."

"You're very considerate too, Monika," Sayori points out. Monika shrugs from within the hug.

"Where I can only feel it, you can express your compassion and empathy and diffuse a situation using those. Without you, Natsuki and Yuri's fight escalated," Monika said. "I couldn't find the right things to say. If you had been there…"

"Monika?"

"Sorry." Monika blinks tiredly. "What I'm saying is that you would have been a better president. It should have been me." It clicks in.

"Hey, no." Sayori's words are fast. "It shouldn't have been either of us. Don't talk like that."

"Hurt you again," Monika realizes. Sayori tightens the hug.

"No. I… Monika, please come back to the literature club. If it's cursed, at least it'll be us four. Natsuki and Yuri could get along, and maybe…" Sayori chuckles humorlessly, "with me also being in on it you could connect more. It always seemed odd to me at first," Sayori says, "how disconnected you were from everything. And you know about me and Natsuki and Yuri. We can all get to really know each other now, if you come back." Sayori tests the waters. "And I know about you," she adds, and Monika squeezes her eyes shut.

"What?" But she already knows.

"Anxiety and dissociation. And migraines." She holds Monika's hand and squeezes it. "Your panic attacks were so bad that you had to be hospitalized before, and then you moved to our area right before our first year of high school. It was really deep in your file. Sorry for snooping," Sayori's voice is warm. There's no judgement. "You fit in perfectly in our little dysfunction junction," Sayori jokes, but there's no real humor to it. "Please, come back."

Monika is completely silent. So silent she could have played dead. Then: "are you sure I won't mess everything up?"

"I'm sure," Sayori reassures. She plants a kiss on the top of Monika's forehead.

"I… okay. But," Monika's voice is shaky despite her attempts to sound firm, "if I hurt any of you, do not stop me from deleting myself. Delete me yourself if you have to." Sayori clutches her so tightly it feels like she's digging into Monika.

"Mon…"

" _Please_ ," Monika begs, and Sayori sighs.

"Okay." She lets go of Monika and stands, offering her hand to Monika, who takes it. They look at the glitchy wall of code, and Sayori opens the window, types and manipulates, and Monika becomes dizzy. "Sorry; it's disorienting to have your file moved." _Even more I put them through._ "Come here, VP." _VP?_ "Well, co-co-vice president. Three vice presidents. Sayori certified leader board." Of course.

Monika smiles tiredly. "Lead the way, Club President Sayori."

* * *

Monika/Sayori is something I would die for and it shows.  
I've always felt like it would be interesting if Monika saw that she was never really in control. I've looked at think pieces that note she was never truly free, and I ran with that.

Feel free to tune in for this sporadic drabble dump. No quality assurance team or betas, we die like men.  
Love y'all and see y'all around.


End file.
